Dear Sunglass Gods,
Why do you mock me so? Was it something I did? Seriously, you’ve never been cool with me and I’m starting to take it personal now.
In my entire life, I have never had a pair of sunglasses last longer than a year. Most are gobbled up by the universe a few short months into my love affair with them. And, it would seem, that your lust for depriving me of said sunglasses is based proportionately to my love of them. The more I like them…the faster you take them from me.
It’s rather maddening. I was willing to forgive the pair that were eaten by a rat trap in my pest control days. Sure, I was angry, but my main regret was not getting some super slo-mo camera action on it. You know, just to show how powerful and mighty a rat trap can be…
I was more than miffed at the pair that got raked from my head by the myriad of hanging chains at the bird display at the zoo, only to be trampled by the family behind us. At least they picked up the carcass and laid it next to the path so I could find them and properly mourn their demise.
There is a reason I have neglected to go out and buy the really expensive ones that I long for so. That reason is:
I KNOW YOU HAVE IT OUT FOR ME.
This is born of experience. Every lost pair of sunglasses, every unexplainable insane accident that claims another pair, every theft only points to your enmity with me. Like, today, for example. I take my family out to lunch. And you brought in three perfectly serviceable tools to hover around our table just long enough for one of them to pocket my sunglasses while we were ordering sandwiches.
True to your nature, you made it so that I could only end up like a crazy man ranting at the thief, knowing that calling the cops for a $15 pair of shades just seemed excessive. To further prove your eternal power over my sunglasses and to cement the fact that not only are these d-bags going to get away with their blatant theft Scot-free but also, I will never see them again, you make it known to me that the security system where we were is down. And, thus, no security footage is available.
Oh Sunglass Gods…what did I do??
I cannot think of any development in modern times that would justify your rage against me. So, is this something from a previous life? Did I somehow defraud Sam Foster from earnings based on his invention? Did I perform some injustice to Edwin Land earlier in his career thus setting polarized lenses back?
Or did I do something to James Ayscough back in the 1700’s to convince him that his tinted glass should only be used for medical purposes and not for sun protection?
Tell me, o powerful Sunglass Gods, did I steal a pair of those whale-bone models with slits in them that eskimos wear? Have I, through the eons of reincarnation, repeatedly and immorally profited from sunglasses?
I say this to you now:
I’M SORRY. PLEASE, LET US FORGET THE PAST, AND FORGE AHEAD IN A WORLD WHERE YOU’LL STOP TAKING, BREAKING, BAKING, OR OTHERWISE DEPRIVING ME OF MY SUNGLASSES. I’M A CHANGED MAN. I PROMISE.