CP and H,

During your years, you will learn lots from your dad and me. Mostly me.
I’ll be the wise one while your dad will teach you baseball stats and who the lead guitarist of Metallica is. While this is valid information, I was the ex-teacher. So sit up straight and listen:

I’m not perfect. I never claim to be and I never will be. But I’m the perfect parent for you because deep down inside, you are me ( and some of your father )

I will take a bullet for you. Never in my life did I ever feel that way with anyone. It’s my duty as your mom. I’d sacrifice my life for you to live on. This includes but isn’t limited to a zombie  apocalypse.

I’d kill for you. It may just be a spider or the occasional bee that just doesn’t get it but it will happen; no questions asked. Now if this gets more complicated, I’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. Never forget- I’m part robot, part ninja, all bad-ass.

I freaking love you. I love you like I love chocolate-covered pretzels only 1,000,000 times more. I love you so much it makes my heart ache. I love you both so much that I almost forget the pain and suffering of both your pregnancies. Almost. That’s a lot of love. A lot. It can’t be measured really. Only a mother feels that kinds of love. It’s not explainable so I’ll stop trying.

Everything worth learning will be taught through your mistakes. And you will make TONS!! I hope that with each mistake it teaches you that kindness rocks, rudeness bites and politeness will get you cookies. They maybe karmic cookies but they are cookies. The more you earn, the better.

Those are all the things that you need to know. Well, other than what your teachers show you. Respect your teachers. They drink a lot after dealing with you. I know I did.

You better remember all this or I’ll haunt you.

Love,
your rockin mom
____________________________________________

the robot mommy is written by Kristi Gilbert- a crazy and mostly ridiculous mother of 2 with not a stitch of experience in writing and even less credentials to do so. Yet despite this, she blogs from her heart and her left pant leg about her life as a mama, a wifey and a mean ol’ Starbucks manager. Her posts are laced with a sensitive soul and a forked tongue. Hopefully someone will pick up on this talent or shut her site down for good. Until then, stop by a visit; you won’t be disappointed.

Blog: therobotmommy.com

Twitter: @TheRobotMommy

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4 Responses

  1. @motherhoodtruth

    ” Never forget- I’m part robot, part ninja, all bad-ass” Can I use this to tell my kids lol. AWESOME! Love your letter!! You even mentioned zombies! You’re my hero! lol

    Reply
  2. @analogyqueen

    What a great way to wake up…..with a chuckle and a snort! In all truth, great letter…total boy speak ( we live in the same world) . Love your creativity. Well done.

    Reply
  3. diaper_dad

    Pretty sure somewhere in the 80’s there was a movie that used the “Part robot, part ninja, all bad-ass” line in their trailer. If not, then the internet needs to get on that and MAKE IT HAPPEN!

    “In a world, where kids won’t eat their veggies and back talk their elders, there stands one hope for all parents everywhere. She. Is. The Robot Mommy. She is part robot, part ninja, and all bad-ass!”

    “Oh yea, ‘mom’…you can’t make me eat my broccoli. You’re not the boss o’ m–

    “You. Just. Got. Served. Kiddo.”

    “She’s Robot Mommy and she will f*ck you up. Coming soon to a theater near you, unless you eat your veggies, that is.”

    Rated R for massive amounts of ass-spankingly violent violence. And a few bad words interspersed for good measure.

    Reply
  4. Damo

    what a great letter someone will have a massive smile on their face (just as i do now) when they read it in years to come.

    Reply

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