Dads Who Change Diapers

Violated Chicken

Some people have asked me what my rotisserie chicken bill is seeing as most of my recipes thus far hinge on just picking up a bird from the grocery store. Well, that’s mostly just a product of convenience. I’m into trying to make quick and simple meals, that require as few pans and messed up dishes as possible. And if I have time, I prefer to make the chicken myself. You know, get hands-on with my food. (No, not like that freak in Hostel.)

Tonight, we are going to get gourmet with this bird! And probably do some unnatural things to it along the way. Also, this one takes awhile, you might want to plan on cooking this bird for a couple of hours.

There is no delicate way to say this, but you are about to violate a chicken in the most heinous and delicious of ways.

Some other terms used for this dish are:

Beer Can Chicken or Coke-butt Chicken (personal fave) but tonight we are going to mix things up a little bit. I’ve been making this for a long time and after a myriad of changes I’ve finally rested on my favorite recipe.

First things first, let’s fire up the oven to 375 degrees.

 

Okay, now on to the ingredients.

Notice a theme? Garlic! Screw you vampires, the night belongs to ME!

Garlic – Cloves and powder I also like to use the garlic & herb Mrs. Dash. (Why so much garlic, you ask? I really have to watch my salt intake so I use a lot of garlic and other savory spices when I cook.)

Non-Stick cooking spray

Cajun seasoning

Liquid Smoke (not pictured)

(optional- and equally delicious)

Fresh Rosemary

Fresh Thyme

1 Chicken (I used a Fryer for this recipe. I prefer roasters because they are bigger and tend to stay juicier but they take longer to cook. Also, the Fryers were on sale.) You can also use a Capon, but if you’re like me, good luck finding one. Seriously, if you even know what a Capon is, give yourself like a hundred points. Three hundred if you know where to buy one in your location.

It's glistening because I haven't patted it down with a paper towel yet. (You should.)

1 Can of Malta (See the picture below.) Seriously, the caption doesn’t lie. I really don’t know HOW people drink this crap. It’s semi-carbonated, dark caramel in color and smells EXACTLY like Grape-Nuts. Tastes like flame-roasted sheep ass. But SO AWESOME TO COOK WITH! This stuff will make your pork ribs so good you’ll wanna make out with them before you eat them.

It's like drinking brewed Grape-Nuts!

Don’t worry, if you can’t find Malta (in your ethnic food section usually, check Latino or Jamaican sometimes it’s there) then use a Coke.

Now for years, I just shoved the chicken onto the can and it works just fine. But some entrepreneur came up with a nifty gadget that makes removing the can SO much easier. I call it THE VIOLATOR!

Mideval Torture Device? PROBABLY YES!

Okay, so open the Malta (or Coke) and pour out about a 1/3 of it. (If it’s coke, pour it into a cup over ice with some Cpt. Morgans Spiced Rum. You deserve it.)

Pour some liquid smoke into the can. If you’re using Coke, beware, it will probably overflow the can. Can’t tell you how many times it’s happened to me. So, you know, +1 for the Malta!

Insert the can into “The VIOLATOR” Or, place it into your baking dish.

ProTip!

Spray the can with non-stick cooking spray. It will help it to come out easier later.

Now, here comes the weird part. You’re gonna want to set that chicken down right on top of that can.

Like this:

Notice how the neck skin has been trimmed? That did NOT make me happy.

Now, you’re going to pull back the flap of skin around the neck hole and hollow out the breast area. We’re going to stuff it with GARLIC! Buahahahaha!

I don't care if you sparkle or not, vampires are NOT going to like this step!

Okay, this would be the location to stuff your fresh thyme and rosemary. And to do so, you can chop if VERY coarsely and cram it up under the skin with a bit of butter. I skipped the rosemary this go around because my wife is still pregnant and that’s just one of those things they tell pregnant ladies not to eat. Something about having your baby at the dinner table or on the kitchen floor while your dinner guests look on in abject horror. But I digress. :D

Now, that you’ve got the skin stuffed, you are going to want to spray the entire outside of the chicken with non-stick cooking spray. I also, advocate a hearty olive oil rub-down if you aren’t watching your calories. It will make the skin crispier and add a new level of flavor too!

After the chicken is sprayed, then rub her (or him if you happen to fine a Capon) with your seasonings. I used Mrs. Dash, Garlic powder, and some Cajun seasoning. But it’s all up to your personal tastes really.

This thing is ready for the oven.

You’ve heard of Shake -n- Bake…this is Bake -n- Wait! Put your chicken in the center of the oven and let her cook. The amount of time varies depending on how big your chicken is. That’s why I always always always advocate the usage of a thermometer. You don’t need one of those fancy $1o0 ones to tell if your meat is cooked. I think I paid $5 for mine and no one has died from botulism or salmonella yet!

Here’s a standard Poultry Cooking Times Guide to help you out.

Okay, once the skin starts turning that beautiful shade of brown and the house smells so good you want to like the stove, pull out your thermometer and test the temp. You’ll want to test in several areas. Be mindful though, if you test too much, you can dry out your bird.

1..2..3 It's the magic number, yes it is…


Remove from oven when meat thermometer reads 175°-180°F; temperature will continue to rise as it stands. Or…while you take a picture of it…

The removal from the can can be tricky. Remember, it’s got some boiling hot liquid in it, so treat the can with some respect.

Here’s the finished product:

I am SO glad my wife doesn't like the skin. MORE FOR ME!

 

 

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